An Announcement

We are completely elated to announce that we are expecting a baby the first week of February, Lord willing! But there is more to the story so I feel like I would be cheating if I didn’t claim the rest of the story as our own. We are choosing to be extremely transparent because we hope that there is at least one person out there who will be encouraged by our experiences.

We spent 13 months trying to get pregnant. I know 13 months might not seem like a long time, but the last 7 of those had some of the toughest moments I’ve yet to experience. If God had simply said, “you will have to wait 13 months and then you will be with child”, it would have been a completely different story. We would have moved forward contently, enjoying the extra 13 months as a family of two. The unknown is what can be so terrifying in this journey. Seeing statistics makes it even harder:

* If you don’t get pregnant in 3 months, there’s __% chance that something’s wrong.

* If you don’t get pregnant in 6 months, there’s __% chance that something’s wrong. The statistics go on and on. Looking back, these tough moments were good, tough moments. I know I knew this while I was in the midst of them too…but I will admit that I did wish this unknown amount of time away. I will try to explain…

Because of this time period of waiting, we now have so much empathy for those who desire to have kids but can’t. Also for those who have suffered miscarriages or those who desire to be married and start a family, but who haven’t been given that opportunity yet. I know I could never claim to completely understand what some people have dealt with emotionally in this area…but I do feel like I have a new perspective on things now. When someone would mention that they were dealing with infertility, I used to think in my head, “why don’t you pursue adoption?” I didn’t comprehend the emotional loss associated with not being able to have biological children.

Peyton and I also feel like God gave us both a huge heart for adoption and foster care, as we began to look into this opportunity ourselves. When I think about my parents and Peyton’s parents and what they have meant to us and what they mean to us now…my heart breaks for kids who don’t have a ‘forever family’ and who don’t have parents. I pray that we continue to feel burdened to pursue adoption/foster care in the future. I hope that burden doesn’t fade away. After all, we are called to care for orphans and widows and do such a poor job of it right now.

This time period also caused us to view Facebook very differently. There was one day Peyton signed onto Facebook and there were literally, no joke, 3 different ultrasound pictures from 3 different people in a row. No break in between with a different type of status update. All 3 were announcing their pregnancies. Facebook makes getting pregnant seem like just a choice people make on a whim. It doesn’t show any of the background into their stories and can leave someone who is waiting feel completely disheartened by the fact that pregnancy came so easily to the ones announcing it (even if it didn’t). And let’s be honest…you just can’t get away from babies on Facebook. There are adorable pictures and ultrasounds and announcements and all of that. I’m not insinuating that people shouldn’t post this stuff (update: for completely different reasons I do think the world could do without the breastfeeding comments I often see), but it has made me desire to be much more cautious about the things I say and the things I post. I have also experienced the other side of things too now. We have experienced so much joy these past few months and of course want to shout out the good news, but are just trying to be cautious about things because of our own prior experiences.

Anyone who has been through this time of waiting, or suffered a miscarriage knows that while you can be completely, completely overjoyed for a friend as they announce their pregnancy, you can also feel crushed and sick to your stomach at the same time. These emotions can coincide. You might feel crushed because you are reminded that you have no control over the ability to get pregnant and about how scared you are that you might never be able to have kids yourself. I guess I point this out both for those announcing a pregnancy and also to the person struggling, to acknowledge that these opposing emotions can coincide.

One of the hardest parts for me was hearing phrases like, “we were only off birth control for a month” or “this wasn’t part of the plan so we’re trying to get used to the idea of having a kid”. I also once saw the following comment below a friend’s picture on Facebook: “So many in our graduating class have had babies. We should get everyone together that has had babies and show them all off to each other.” I can’t really explain how inadequate these phrases can make someone feel who is trying to get pregnant and can’t. Or who has lost a child and no longer has a baby to “show off”, as this person phrased it. I know I used to say comments and ask questions beforehand without thinking twice about them, so I’m not saying these are awful comments to make. I’m just laying out there how they could emotionally affect someone else. I used to ask people when they were planning to have kids. I now understand that it’s not just some “plan” or decision that people make. It can involve a lot of heartache and waiting and uncertainty and making every effort to trust God. I once had a public emotional breakdown when someone said something as simple as: “You and Peyton are next. No pressure though.” I tried to hold myself together and respond a coherent response, but ended up running off sobbing. This is something that I could have just as easily said to someone else!! I think about friends/people who have suffered through a miscarriage or lost a child. My heart breaks when I think about how I would feel being asked some of the questions they are regularly asked: “When are you guys going to have kids? Do you only have this one child?”

Another blessing about this time period of waiting was that it definitely brought Peyton and I closer together. I truly, truly am head over heels in love with that man and thank God for him every day! At first I think we kind of tried to deal with our frustration about the situation on our own. We were both frustrated about it but not really talking about it. Finally we both admitted to each other that we were frustrated about it. We started praying about it together on a daily basis and I finally started showing my emotions to him about it by crying and admitting I was angry. Peyton encouraged me to be honest. We became very honest with God about being angry about how the situation was panning out, but still choosing to trust Him. I became more and more grateful for Peyton and feel so much closer to him as a result of those 13 months. And I’m so grateful that I got some more time with just him without kids in the picture.

I wrote this with the intention of being transparent about our experience. I didn’t think it was fair to simply announce we were expecting a baby without sharing the part of the story that led us here. I hope this encourages others to be more sensitive about comments they make / questions they ask. You would be shocked at the number of women who have not had this area of their lives go as they would have hoped/planned. I hope it encourages anyone dealing with infertility, miscarriage, or the desire to have a spouse or children that it didn’t come easily for everyone who makes an announcement on Facebook. And if it takes time, there’s not always something wrong like the statistics insinuate. And if you have dealt with years of infertility, miscarriages, or the loss of the child, I hope you know that I don’t claim to know exactly what you are going through. Please just know that my heart breaks for you and I will be praying for you. And I can only imagine how certain, harmless comments can trigger the deepest of your emotions. I hope everyone will pray for those who are dealing with one of these emotional circumstances. I would never want the joy we are experiencing right now to overshadow the pain and frustration others may currently be facing. Please be mindful that there is more going on in the lives of people on Facebook than what is made evident by their posts. This is our story so far and we are thankful for it.